“Hi, my name is Kim, thank you for calling [insert name of stupid company with free trial of a membership subscription to something you only need once here], how may I help you?”
“Hi, Kim! I need to cancel my account.”
“Well, you just opened your account, you don’t even know what we have to offer.”
“Thanks, I do. I’d like to just cancel my account.”
“Can I ask why?”
“I don’t want it anymore.”
“Well, [insert pointless service no one really needs here] is something everyone needs. Your free trial period…”
“Can you just cancel my account?”
“Okay, here’s what I’ll do. I’ve just extended your free trial for 30 days…”
“Here’s what you’re gonna do. Cancel my account.”
“[Insert horrible thing that's going to happen if you don't subscribe to their service here] is at an all time high. You wouldn’t want to be caught off guard, would you? Unprotected? You need to keep your family safe.”
“Thanks for your concern, please just cancel my account.”
“Well, you don’t even really know what we offer yet. You should keep the free trial for 30 days…”
“Can you hit the ‘cancel’ button, please?”
“Alright, here’s what’s gonna happen. At the next billing cycle, your card will only be charged [insert discounted service price here that's really only a discount because the number is, technically, lower than the original one that was too high to begin with] per month for our services. That’s a savings of [insert negligible amount here] off the regular member price.”
“Alright, great. Can you cancel my account now?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t really let you do that to yourself. This is a service that everyone…”
“Cancel my account or I’m going to find out where you live, drive to your house, stalk your cat, fill your toilets with rocks, put your potted plants in your freezer, and steal all your clean underwear.” *
“Thank you for your business, as of the next billing cycle your free trial has been cancelled.”
*I might not have actually said this. But I was thinking it. *sinister leering shifty eyes* Oh, I was thinking it.
Adam says:
http://blog.taragana.com/wp-content/upload/cancelaol.mp3
Cathryn Mayo says:
Okay, you are one funny lady. Just thought you should know.
Erin Joy says:
LOVE!
You’re hilarious. I wish we lived closer than 10 states away from each other.
Erin Joy says:
So, this doesn’t happen to be from a website that happens to have “free” in it’s name, does it? Because I totally just had the exact same experience.